Getting Curious About Being Below the Line
Estimated Reading time: 5-7 minutes
May. It’s a busy time. I have yet to meet a school leader who says, “It’s May. Nothing going on this week!” Instead, most of us lament the relentless pace of the last weeks of school and just try to keep up with the calendar of end-of-year events ahead of us. With that sentiment in mind, I have four end-of-the-year theories I’d like to share with you in hopes that you find them helpful in making your last few weeks of school a little saner, a little more reflective, and if nothing else, another opportunity to get curious.
My first theory is that the more you are paying attention to what is happening inside you, the greater your capacity will be to meet all of those external demands. It’s hard to pay attention to what is going on inside of ourselves, when we are externally focused on the numerous tasks at hand, but I’m going to suggest to all of our L+D readers that you spend the next month actively tracking what is going on with you and how you are responding to the end of the year stimuli. That’s right. Grab a small notebook and actively track your emotional journey throughout the day. I offer you the following framework as one potential way to track yourself.
We have written over the years about the book The Fifteen Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman and Kaley Warner Klemp. Their basic premise is that at any given moment we are operating either above or below the line. If we are above the line we are in an open and receptive state. We are not in conflict with others, ourselves or any external forces. We are curious and not defensive and not centered around being right. When we are below the line, we are closed, defensive, resistant, and tend to see our own opinions and perspectives as empirically right, and when we go way below the line, we can take on a posture of victimhood and blame.
How do you know when you are below the line? You might find yourself actually getting warm. Your resting heart rate might rise. You feel it in your stomach. You might get a bit dizzy. The words forming in your head are resistant and defensive. In your mind and also out loud you might talk about a situation or person in less than flattering ways: “That person is crazy.” “That situation is so messed up!” “This is ridiculous!” You might even find yourself looking for confirmation from a colleague, friend, or spouse. “Tell me this is nuts!” Being below the line can also just make you feel crabby, anxious, annoyed, bored, unsettled or irritated. These are also milder symptoms of being below the line, but they are still signs that you are not above the line.
Does this mean that every time you feel annoyed or bored or frustrated you are below the line? The simple answer is yes. In some way, shape or form, you are resisting what is happening to you and you are in some conflict, minor or major with a person or circumstance. You are human, so this is probably going to happen to you every single day of your life multiple times a day. Being below the line goes hand in hand with having a pulse. So spend a couple of weeks tracking yourself in states above and below the line and just start to notice what might send you tumbling down and what might bring you back to the surface – which leads me to theory number two.
My second theory is that if you track where you are at any given moment in the day, you might find yourself learning what situations, interactions, behaviors and conditions tend to send you below the line. By the end of a week or two of tracking your emotional journey, you might start to notice patterns that can give you some insights. It won't mean that you can avoid those situations, interactions, behaviors, people and conditions, but you might find that you meet them in a different state of mind. Like a good meditation practice, you can start to recognize the thoughts: “I’m going into a meeting with Tim who never sees things from my perspective”; or “I’m going into a meeting about the dress code”; or ‘It’s time to write that graduation speech AGAIN . . .” You can pause and ask yourself, “What am I resisting right now?” What about this person or situation is causing me to go below the line? This is a perfect segue to theory number three.
My third theory is that if you actually get curious about what is happening inside of you when you are below the line, you will find the path to get yourself back up above it. Those questions that you might ask yourself once you notice a pattern of behavior or a symptom of stuckness, defensiveness, or righteousness can actually propel you back up above the line. When you spend a few minutes exploring your resistance, you often find it diminishing as you allow the answer to the question emerge. “Why am I resisting writing this graduation speech?” “Because I have done it every year for 20 years.” “I have nothing new or valuable to say.” “Half the people in the audience don’t even listen.” When answers like this emerge, you can start to actually deal with the resistance instead of just feeling stuck. It is easier to address the resistance when you know exactly where it is coming from and maybe even flip the narrative. “What a privilege to have addressed 20 years of graduates.” “Nothing has to be brand new and I do have some words of wisdom to pass along.” “I am going to write for the half of the audience that chooses to listen.”
It is impossible to be simultaneously defensive and authentically curious at the same time.
My fourth and final theory is that when we are busy, feel pressed for time and maybe even a little overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work to do, events to plan and attend, end of year speeches to give, and early mornings that turn to late evenings, we go below the line, which is why May can feel so hard. But it may not actually be only the amount of work and number of events, but rather the lack of attention we give to pausing and reflecting on where we are and how we got there. Instead of exploring the feelings, the resistance, the boredom, the irritation, we brush them off and ignore these signals. And we fall farther and farther below that line.
I spent a good three weeks this spring below the line. It wasn’t fun. I felt in constant conflict with myself, my work, and my family. Even my running suffered. Everything felt hard. But I was also in the middle of a travel binge and when I was home I was helping my older parents and still trying to do all the things for my own household. I was tired and irritable. I met suggestions and ideas with defensiveness, even when I knew that they were valuable. Outwardly, I was short with people, sarcastic, and passive aggressive. I wasn’t actually even sure I wanted to fix the problem – that was how bad it was.
So how did I emerge from the depths below the line? There is always this moment when you start to feel bad enough to do something about it, so I did four things:
I located myself. This is actually one of the hardest things to do because when we are below the line, we might not actually see it. Even if we feel it, we may not be fully aware of our location below the surface. I had been so inattentive and detached from myself that I was not even aware how much energy I was spending resisting people and circumstances.
I took responsibility for my location. It isn’t entirely the people and situations that send a person below the line. I always play a role in my own location. I have neither been pushed below the surface nor do I have an anchor tied to me. I have the ability to get back above the line.
I had a conversation with myself about exactly that - what did I have agency over and what was out of my hands? As we all know, we can’t control the people and the circumstances, but we can have more agency about how we respond to those situations. There is some choice in the matter. There are some conditions that you can alter to get back above the line and some that won’t change. I needed to identify key aspects of my own agency and then let go of the rest.
I got curious about what was happening and asked lots of questions. What was I resisting? What was I trying to control? What felt threatening or overwhelming to me? Where was my own ego involved? What was at the center of my own insecurities? And I just can’t stay below the line when I am asking these kinds of questions.
It wasn’t until I actually stopped, paid attention, and recognized how fully below the line I had gotten that I was able to make some progress to a place where I could be more open, receptive and most importantly, curious.
